There’s no question in my mind that the CDC is right when it comes to the COVID-19 vaccine, as well as every other vaccine on both the childhood and the adult schedule.
After all, as I explored in my last Substack, the CDC has no conflicts of interest, no financial incentives, and no reasons besides their deep and heartfelt concern about your health and the health of the American people, which is why they recommend these vaccines.
There are way more than 13 reasons to vaccinate against COVID, of course. More like 130,000!
But thirteen’s such a good number. Fabulous things happen on Friday the 13th; friggatriskaidekaphobia’s all the rage right now; and the 13 in the Tarot deck is the best.
So, without further ado, I give you 13 reasons why the Seedy C, I mean the CDC, is right and you should get the COVID-19 vaccine. (Oh, and also give it to your children.)
1. You’d like to get a vulvar aphthous ulcer.
I mean, why not? Sure, when these purple/red blisters explode they can be excruciatingly painful. But the team of researchers at Children’s Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, Missouri, who described three children, ages 12 to 15, getting vulvar aphthous ulcers two days after their second Pfizer vaccines in the April issue of the Journal of Pediatric and Adolescent Gynecology concluded that, “The COVID vaccine is safe and efficacious.” Plus, it’s always good to have a new experience!
2. You trust your doctor.
This is probably the best reason of all. Your doctor told you to! The doctor said so! And doctors are always trustworthy!
I mean, just look at Dr. Joel Lavine, M.D., who groomed and sexually abused at least one child in his care; Dr. Onyekachi Nwabuko, M.D., a Florida-based ER doc who smacked a patient in the face, laughed at her, and accused her of faking it while she was having a brain seizure; and Dr. Yee Chung Ho, M.D., a Pennsylvania-based doc who’s sweet side hustle was illegally selling opioids.
Doctors know best. Trust 'em, always. And trust your kids with them too!
3. You’d rather have a lifelong heart disorder than a SARS-CoV-2 infection.
Yes, yes, we know that these mRNA vaccines can cause heart inflammation. That’s well established in the scientific literature now. Who cares?! This peer-reviewed article from data in Israel has found that signal, as did this one from the United Kingdom, and this one from Denmark. But, so what?
Myocarditis is no big deal.
It’s not like it’s a lifelong heart disorder that can derail your or your child’s quality of life. And even if it were, what’s a little MILD myocarditis compared to COVID?!
4. You don’t want anyone to think you’re an anti-vaxxer.
Those people are ridiculous! My god. Yeah, yeah, Dr. Daniel Salmon, Ph.D., claimed people who don’t vaccinate their kids tend to be better educated and have higher incomes than parents who don’t question vaccines, but what does he know? Salmon is only head of the Institute of Vaccine Safety at Johns Hopkins.
And even if that were true (which it’s not because we all know that anyone who skips even just one vaccine is a complete dunderhead), who wants to be associated with educated people who make good money anyway?!
So even though you secretly have some reservations about getting the vaccine, you don’t want anyone to think you’re an anti-vaxxer. Scroll down to the end of this post to see pictures of just a few of the dufus-for-brains you’d never want to talk to or hear speak. And then roll up your sleeve for vaccine numbers 1, 2, 3, and 4. Peer pressure and groupthink for the win!
5. Having your skin peel off in clumps is just not something you’re worried about.
This happened to Richard Terrell, who had to be hospitalized for five days. But the Virginia man told reporters that he’s still glad he did it! Your vulva might become blistered with lesions that fill with pus and then pop (see #1), your face might become paralyzed, or you might end up with possibly lethal thrombocytopenia, but you’ll still be glad you did it.
6. You’ve had COVID at least once, and you’d like to relive it.
Some 43 percent of Americans have had COVID at least once. Many have had it twice or even three times. And we know that people who have had COVID are nearly twice as likely to have vaccine side effects, like whole-body fatigue, headaches, shivering, and chills. So you’re going to get the vaccine now, or you’re running out for a booster shot or two, so you can have some COVID-like symptoms and relive the fond memories, like re-watching old episodes of Good Times.
7. You’d like to suppress your innate immune system.
According to new peer-reviewed science in the journal Food and Chemical Toxicology, the mRNA vaccines likely suppress the body’s natural immune system.
This new research proposes a biochemical mechanism caused by the vaccine that may be the reason we are seeing increased incidents of infectious diseases and cancer post-vaccination, as well as neurodegenerative disorders, myocarditis (see #3), and immune thrombocytopenia.
You’ve been plagued by allergies your whole life so suppressing your innate immune system sounds like a plan. Who needs an innate immune system anyway?
8. You like being a guinea pig.
Being part of new, experimental technology is exciting! Why not be the guinea pig? That way, if anything bad befalls you (see numbers 1, 3, 5, 6, and 7), scientists and researchers can study your misery and use it to make an improved next generation vaccine for other people. It’s always fun to be a lab animal! Plus, you’re an altruist.
9. More is always better, and you want more, more, more.
You did number one and then number two. Now they’re telling you to get number three and number four. More is always better when it comes to medicine, as you already know. And getting shot #4 because the efficacy of shots numbers 1, 2, and 3 have worn off does NOT mean the vaccines aren’t working! You also wear three seatbelts when you drive your car and four condoms when you make love.
10. You **WILL** die if you get COVID.
The vast majority of people who get COVID survive with no lasting problems or side effects. Many—along the lines of 40 percent—actually have no symptoms. The most accurate death rate, according to this Stanford University researcher, is likely 0.1 to 0.2 percent of the people infected. But since we don’t have accurate denominators (and haven’t since the beginning), that extremely low death rate from COVID itself is likely inflated. It’s also true that what was once a novel virus is now mutating to be even less deadly than it was at the beginning.
None of that matters! YOU absolutely cannot and will not survive COVID. So you’re getting the vaccine, damn it. Um. I mean four vaccines…
11. You don’t want to wear a mask anymore.
Get the COVID vaccine and you can take your mask off!
Except you can’t.
Because even if you’ve had 90 vaccines like the guy in Berlin, in places around the world (Hello, Shanghai! Hello, Philadelphia. Looking at you, Hartford County, Vermont) you will still be required to inhale your own exhale.
No matter! Our government officials told you you could go mask-free once you were vaccinated. And our government officials never lie. So you’ll just get some more of the COVID vaccines and then take off your ma—… Well, whatever.
12. You want to go over to your neighbor’s for dinner.
Your neighbor—the one you’ve lived kitty corner from for nearly 20 years—made it clear that your family was no longer welcome inside her home.
“You’re not vaccinated,” she said with a big smile on her face.
Makes no difference that said neighbor was fully vaccinated and boosted, or that you had zero symptoms, zero exposures, and a negative COVID test. Nopers! You were banned from her home because she was afraid her preventative medicine would not prevent her from getting something that you did not have and could not spread to her.
Then there was the incident with your son’s best friend’s mom, who told your son to wait outside on the porch while said “friend” and a group of other boys went inside to play video games. Your son might have contaminated their home, after all.
And let’s not even talk about your adult children who have barred you from being in the same room with your grand babies. Because people get the vaccine to protect older adults. But older adults who don’t want the vaccine? They get canceled! Hallelujah!
In case you’re not following, here’s my point: Giving into other people’s irrational and borderline psychotic fear is another outstanding reason to get the COVID vaccine and booster shots. And when these same neighbors, friends, and relatives require that you get a colonoscopy before allowing you to come over for dinner, you’ll be happy to do that too.
13. You really don’t think it matters that there have been more reported deaths from the COVID vaccine than from all the other vaccines in the entire history of the vaccination program combined.
Why care about that data? Your doctor says it’s safe (see #2). Those deaths are “rare.” All those VAERS reports that took over an hour to input into a system that keeps glitching and crashing are just unfortunate coincidences anyway. My friend who got the first shot but died before she could get the second did not die from the vaccine.
You KNOW you’re not going to die from the jab. But, sure, you’ll concede that you might get shingles. And there’s nothing like a good case of shingles to improve your day.
Bottom line, my friends: You’re a selfish jerk if you don’t run to get a COVID vaccine, I mean four COVID vaccines.
If you’ve decided to stop after one or two, or just take a little more time to decide, it means that you want babies to die. And grandmas too. The TEN PERCENT of medical doctors who are openly expressing concerns about the efficacy, necessity, and safety of the COVID vaccine? They’ve just been duped. You see, every single one of them has been misled by peer-reviewed science and clinical experience, I mean, by dangerous misinformers like me.
There is not a single valid reason not to get **all** of the COVID-protecting, life-enhancing, and lifesaving vaccines that the CDC recommends. The CDC has got your back. Your doctor does too. So what if they put a bullet in it?
Related articles:
13 Reasons Why the CDC is Right and You Should Vaccinate Your Kids
Your Child Needs the HPV Vaccine: Here’s Why
I Stand For Censorship, And You Should Too!
I literally fucking love you. That is all.
At first, before I read this, I was going to unsubscribe! But then I read more and more and was relieved when I realized it was sarcasm. Whew! Great article!