3 Words You Should Never Say to Someone Acutely or Chronically Ill

Here are the five words to say instead

Five and a half years ago, right before Christmas, my husband almost died. His health crisis was so acute that we spent 11 days in the hospital, first in the ICU and then on the cardiac floor. He was having ventricular tachycardia, his heart rate shooting up to 220 beats per minute, sustained. The cardiologists had to work overtime to find the right combination of medications and mechanical support to regularize his heart.

Still in his forties, my husband was the youngest patient on the cardiac floor by at least twenty years (with the exception of one young man in heart failure from a heroin overdose).

The doctors pulled me aside and told me to put all my work on hold, find someone to bring our four children to the hospital, and make sure my husband had an advanced directive (a legal document that explains what a person wants and doesn’t want at the end of life, to be used if said person can’t make health decisions for themselves.)

It all felt surreal. My husband’s health became my entire world, helping him my number one priority. But as excruciatingly difficult as this time was, I was very moved by how many people—his relatives, my relatives, his friends, my friends, our neighbors, acquaintances, and even some strangers—offered us their love and support.

There’s a special place in heaven for people who show up when someone they know has an acute health issue. Just doing one simple thing for someone else, like watering their plants or grocery shopping or bringing in the mail or sending them a get well card with a $10 bill in it, can make all the difference. Those small gestures offer the person in crisis peace of mind, which is worth more than the most expensive gift money can buy.

One of the hardest things, though, when you’re going through a health crisis of your own—as I am now—or a health crisis with a loved one—as I was with my husband—is keeping concerned friends, family members, and acquaintances up to date about what’s going on.

Which brings me to the three words you should never say to someone in crisis, and the five words you should.