My oldest (16) just got a Gabb phone for his birthday, and his younger brother (13) inherited the flip phone. The thing that makes the biggest difference in being able to delay phones of any type - and especially smart phones - is that we homeschool. The peers they see most often are from families with similar views of technology, so they don’t feel like they are missing out as much. And tomorrow we are heading to our weekly park day with 6+ other families where we will largely ignore the children and let them be slightly feral - of course the toddlers will get more supervision than the rest.
From a reader who asked me to post this for him. He has an App on his phone called Be Present that limits his screen time ( 😊): “I tried to like and comment your article but I’ve already reached my limit of internet opens today. 10 - 5 minute max.
I was just thinking there aren’t kids skateboarding at civic center park in years either.”
I recently learned something from young adults who confessed online behaviors 5-10 years back. They told me that when they were in high school, at least 90 percent of students had sent nudes. Many had been groomed and done things that to this day they will not fully describe. They are that ashamed.
They now realize how lucky they are that worse things didn’t happen. They know of many “for guys only” text groups that share nudes today. They know it’s typical for a guy who is considering dating a new girl to ask for nudes of her before he asks her out. And they’re out there. Maybe a few years old. But they are there.
During high school years, I always thought porn was the main reason the boys acted so terribly. It was (and I’m sure still is) MUCH worse than I ever imagined. If I had to go through it again, my kids would have a Bark Phone.
To all parents of current teens: Don’t think this isn’t happening with your teens. It very likely is. And now with AI and all the sophisticated scams, it can get very evil very fast.
Yes. Anyone with a “smart” phone can stumble on pornography and children report being exposed to it inadvertently at very early ages. This is especially harmful for boys, since they will gravitate towards it and start watching it constantly. Apparently now we have young teens with pornography addictions. We need better external protection. Haidt mentions several active lawsuits against Meta and other sites that are doing nothing to verify a person’s age when they sign up for accounts. Meta (which owns Instagram) is just one of the companies that needs to be held responsible.
I’ve known the porn problem with teen boys (especially) for a while. What I was NOT aware of back in the day was how many predators were on Instagram and pushed especially teen girls to Snapchat, making them believe their nudes were only temporary. They’re still out there, far and wide, 10 years later.
From experience, I know even tech savvy and well meaning parents cannot keep up. Bark Phone seems to be the best answer today.
I was just discussing this eerie phenomenon with my partner. When I was growing up, the playgrounds were mobbed with kids. You had to be careful not to get an apartment overlooking or too near a playground—non-stop noise. Where are the kids? It is really weird.
Very sad. I do spend too much time on my phone even though I forget about it for large portions of the day. It still feels invasive to my real life and makes me less productive. I remind people that my phone is for MY convenience not theirs when they complain that I never answer calls. I'm retired so I don't need it for work thankfully.
In this age of constant contact and immediate gratification people often get mad if you don’t respond right away or don’t carry your phone on you. I am starting to miss the days when if you were out and wanted to reach someone, you’d have to walk a half mile or more to the nearest pay phone…
I am an outlier on this topic. I see phone addiction as an effect, not a cause.
The dopamine high or whatever it is you get from certain actions on the phone are more fun than nothing, but less fun than relaxed, fearless, delight-filled full engagement with loved friends and nature.
My hypothesis is that births, and very early childrearing, has steadily gotten so frightening, painful, drugged, and disconnected, that kids are deeply scarred, and less and less able to fully engage in the world. So we are seeing the results of that in phone and game addiction.
A simple, back of the envelope research project would be to determine what happened to each individual phone-addicted child in their early hours and days. The home-birthed children I know have no such addiction.
I love that you brought this discussion back to birthing and how we are born, Tina. You are not an outlier, in my mind, just a big thinker with smart, smart ideas. Three of my four were born at home. They all have very different relationships to their cell phones. I'd like to think more about how their current phone use is connected to their experiences being born. Thank you for this comment.
Just the other day my daughter (8) was upset and wanted to turn the TV on because she didn't want to sit in how she was feeling and she knew if she could just turn on a show those emotions would no longer have to be felt or processed.
It feels like our children are losing the ability to sit and think. Walk and think. Just process. We give them endless access to distractions. Is that why Gen Z'ers in the workforce often come across as rude or lazy? (I don't mean to stereotype--I've had a bunch of young adults, millennials, tell me bad customer service and outright hostility are a "thing" among teens employed in job where they have to interact with the public.) I also noticed that at the farmers' market, of all places, in two different states, the folk who were selling vegetables and plants were on their phones and when they finally bothered to look up or say hello, they acted burdened by the presence of customers who wanted to give them money for their wares. Maybe that was just a coincidence? The addictive and all-consuming nature of smart phones and iPads seem to have a negative effect on every age group. Not everything about them is negative. We all need to escape. I don't mean to sound so categorical. I guess the issue is not use but over-use? IDK...
i hope this is not true- but covid time took children- my gkids away for playgrounds and us- will we ever get that back with phones everywhere and so many adults paranoid and masked about diseases that have never been proven to exist.
Where I live in Southern Oregon a lot of people think there are too many unsavory characters camping out at the parks for them to be enjoyed by families.
It was a lot worse in Portland, frankly, but...?
There aren't any picnic tables left at the pavilion, and I don't know if they have all been taken to camps by the riverside, or if the city took them away to keep people from camping in the pavilion.
Powerful article. Times magazine published an article 15+ years ago saying there was no 'ADD'-Attention Deficit Disorder' but 'NDD' - Nature Deficit Disorder'. I saved a copy. My husbands college newsletter just came out with an article 'Disconnecting to Connect' it is about embracing an empowering countermovement - JOMO - the Joy of Missing Out - it is a joint initiative by the Office of Health Promotion & Learning Support Services. It builds on a national campaign that encourages students to set healthy digital boundaries so they can cultivate genuine connections & feel less isolated. I've been saying for years 'technology will rob us of our humanity if we don't set healthy limits'. I too, leave my phone in the car when out & about, most especially at social functions, my kids call it my 'car phone'. I believe people are addicted to their devices & will go through withdrawals w/o it - the AMA Journal has classified 'gaming' as an addiction. Deep gratitude & blessing to you JM, appreciate your work ...
Well I read this on my phone within minutes of it coming through so yeah I'm on it too much. When I'm present somewhere I hate anytime I feel compelled to check my phone if I know someone is needing something from me work or family.
Me too. I’ve been trying to physically shut off my phone when I have it with me but don’t “need” it. Usually when I do, though, I end up turning it on again much sooner than intended. The addictive nature of this technology is stronger than we are…
I'm sad/furious/scared about the lack of kids on the playground or anywhere outside. Like you said Jen, where did they go??. Inside breathing stale air addicted to their phones instead. Every cell in my body screaming how wrong this is -- for kids, for community, for the future of -- well everything.
I'm old enough to have had that childhood outside from dawn to dusk, down at the park, playing whatever the sport of the season. Gossiping, flirting as we got into our teens. Parents nowhere to be seen -- as it should be! I'm sad for little ones growing up glued to their screens instead.
Hey there Sara. Jonathan Haidt has some very smart action plans on how to fix the problem. Schools must go phone free -- even those with open campuses where the kids go downtown for lunch. And they MUST enforce their phone-free policies. I've heard from readers about apps that are helping them curb their own phone over-use. One is called Be Present. I do not know it but would like to try it out. At home we can have the conversation and insist that cell phones are turned off at the dinner table. Or, better yet, not brought into the kitchen or dining room. None of this is enough but it's all a start. AND (note that I am writing "and," instead of "but," Pesach aka Paul Zeitz, D.O., taught me this) the tech industry and the government must help set limits and community guidelines. It's beyond criminal that they are allowing anyone under 13 to have social media; they could fix this in five minutes. And 13, as Haidt points out in his book, is an arbitrary number that is much too young for being on-line. No one should be doing ANY social media before they are of age. Just like we limit other addictive substances like alcohol and smoking, we must protect our children from the addictive, dangerous, and pernicious effects of social media and internet overuse.
I use an app called App block. I have it on strict mode because I doomscroll otherwise. I've limited myself to 5 minutes of Facebook each hour and 7 minutes of YouTube each hour. If I need more time, say I'm cooking and need a recipe on YT or something, then I have to request my husband to unblock it and then I can use it as long as I want. Fortunately, having it blocked regularly and knowing my issues, I'm very firm about reblocking it when I do this. It's pretty crazy how easy it is to get stuck scrolling if I don't have the accountability. Luckily, I hate being on my phone and I've seen the detrimental effects it has so I can easily stand by this. Sadly, for a teenager who might not understand that yet, it might be harder.
I just bought myself a Brick as a new year’s gift. God willing, I can get free so as to have some semblance of credibility with my still personal phone-less teenagers. It’s a terrible thing to be ensnared by a machine.
This is so very sad. I knew screens were a problem for adolescents, teens, and young adults (and older adults) but I didn't realize how deeply it also affects young children. Thank you.
Liz, if you have time and inclination to read The Anxious Generation, I think it will really resonate with you. I listened to it — from the library — via my phone (clears throat). He even discusses listening to audiobooks. After all the research he did, he tried to stop always listening to a book in 1.5 speed on his phone and just enjoy his walk to work. I’ve been trying to do that more lately. Not walk and talk on the phone. I haven’t been succeeding very well. I do really love being able to listen to books while I do the dishes or walk the dog. AND I think it’s probably better for my mental well-being to just walk the dog and be present, say hello to the people I pass, admire the nature, and allow my brain some uninterrupted time to think…
Jennifer I really appreciate this post. My town just appropriated 3.5 million dollars to rebuild 2 playgrounds. The plan is to build a few more. I pray playgrounds get used and having them empty not happen to our resident spaces! And as far as cell phones. I wish I was less attached. And I must have an energetic block I need to work on because whenever I leave my phone at home purposefully, I need it. What is with that. And I went to Wyoming over Christmas and was hardly on my phone. It was glorious. I colored with my 73 yo aunt alongside my 8 yo first cousin once removed. And my cousin and his wife hardly use a cell in front of their 8yo and they have asked the grandparents to also not use phones. My uncle (75 yo) gets totally self-absorbed into it and drops out. I can't stand feeling abandoned in the presence of others, it is like a bad flashback to my childhood of vacant parents!
I heard a clear voice call to me early into 2026 and it said "Live more". And it wasn't me talking. It was in a totally mundane moment walking in my kitchen. And I said, will do! Lastly. I just came across this quote and had typed it to myself because it was so good. "Living off of memories ain't no living at all. You got to make 'em while you can." Sam Elliot in Landman S2E5 I think I could easily insert other words such as "Living on a cell phone/social media/porn/toxic food/sitting on your butt" and it works. It is going to be my 2026 mantra.
Living more is good advice. I like that resolution. So good that your family is limiting usage. But not that your uncle isn’t able to control his. I can so relate to this: “I can't stand feeling abandoned in the presence of others, it is like a bad flashback to my childhood of vacant parents!”
My oldest (16) just got a Gabb phone for his birthday, and his younger brother (13) inherited the flip phone. The thing that makes the biggest difference in being able to delay phones of any type - and especially smart phones - is that we homeschool. The peers they see most often are from families with similar views of technology, so they don’t feel like they are missing out as much. And tomorrow we are heading to our weekly park day with 6+ other families where we will largely ignore the children and let them be slightly feral - of course the toddlers will get more supervision than the rest.
From a reader who asked me to post this for him. He has an App on his phone called Be Present that limits his screen time ( 😊): “I tried to like and comment your article but I’ve already reached my limit of internet opens today. 10 - 5 minute max.
I was just thinking there aren’t kids skateboarding at civic center park in years either.”
I recently learned something from young adults who confessed online behaviors 5-10 years back. They told me that when they were in high school, at least 90 percent of students had sent nudes. Many had been groomed and done things that to this day they will not fully describe. They are that ashamed.
They now realize how lucky they are that worse things didn’t happen. They know of many “for guys only” text groups that share nudes today. They know it’s typical for a guy who is considering dating a new girl to ask for nudes of her before he asks her out. And they’re out there. Maybe a few years old. But they are there.
During high school years, I always thought porn was the main reason the boys acted so terribly. It was (and I’m sure still is) MUCH worse than I ever imagined. If I had to go through it again, my kids would have a Bark Phone.
To all parents of current teens: Don’t think this isn’t happening with your teens. It very likely is. And now with AI and all the sophisticated scams, it can get very evil very fast.
Yes. Anyone with a “smart” phone can stumble on pornography and children report being exposed to it inadvertently at very early ages. This is especially harmful for boys, since they will gravitate towards it and start watching it constantly. Apparently now we have young teens with pornography addictions. We need better external protection. Haidt mentions several active lawsuits against Meta and other sites that are doing nothing to verify a person’s age when they sign up for accounts. Meta (which owns Instagram) is just one of the companies that needs to be held responsible.
I’ve known the porn problem with teen boys (especially) for a while. What I was NOT aware of back in the day was how many predators were on Instagram and pushed especially teen girls to Snapchat, making them believe their nudes were only temporary. They’re still out there, far and wide, 10 years later.
From experience, I know even tech savvy and well meaning parents cannot keep up. Bark Phone seems to be the best answer today.
I was just discussing this eerie phenomenon with my partner. When I was growing up, the playgrounds were mobbed with kids. You had to be careful not to get an apartment overlooking or too near a playground—non-stop noise. Where are the kids? It is really weird.
😔
If you haven’t realized we are living in a zombie apocalypse, you might be one of the zombies.
Very sad. I do spend too much time on my phone even though I forget about it for large portions of the day. It still feels invasive to my real life and makes me less productive. I remind people that my phone is for MY convenience not theirs when they complain that I never answer calls. I'm retired so I don't need it for work thankfully.
In this age of constant contact and immediate gratification people often get mad if you don’t respond right away or don’t carry your phone on you. I am starting to miss the days when if you were out and wanted to reach someone, you’d have to walk a half mile or more to the nearest pay phone…
I am an outlier on this topic. I see phone addiction as an effect, not a cause.
The dopamine high or whatever it is you get from certain actions on the phone are more fun than nothing, but less fun than relaxed, fearless, delight-filled full engagement with loved friends and nature.
My hypothesis is that births, and very early childrearing, has steadily gotten so frightening, painful, drugged, and disconnected, that kids are deeply scarred, and less and less able to fully engage in the world. So we are seeing the results of that in phone and game addiction.
A simple, back of the envelope research project would be to determine what happened to each individual phone-addicted child in their early hours and days. The home-birthed children I know have no such addiction.
I love that you brought this discussion back to birthing and how we are born, Tina. You are not an outlier, in my mind, just a big thinker with smart, smart ideas. Three of my four were born at home. They all have very different relationships to their cell phones. I'd like to think more about how their current phone use is connected to their experiences being born. Thank you for this comment.
Just the other day my daughter (8) was upset and wanted to turn the TV on because she didn't want to sit in how she was feeling and she knew if she could just turn on a show those emotions would no longer have to be felt or processed.
It feels like our children are losing the ability to sit and think. Walk and think. Just process. We give them endless access to distractions. Is that why Gen Z'ers in the workforce often come across as rude or lazy? (I don't mean to stereotype--I've had a bunch of young adults, millennials, tell me bad customer service and outright hostility are a "thing" among teens employed in job where they have to interact with the public.) I also noticed that at the farmers' market, of all places, in two different states, the folk who were selling vegetables and plants were on their phones and when they finally bothered to look up or say hello, they acted burdened by the presence of customers who wanted to give them money for their wares. Maybe that was just a coincidence? The addictive and all-consuming nature of smart phones and iPads seem to have a negative effect on every age group. Not everything about them is negative. We all need to escape. I don't mean to sound so categorical. I guess the issue is not use but over-use? IDK...
i hope this is not true- but covid time took children- my gkids away for playgrounds and us- will we ever get that back with phones everywhere and so many adults paranoid and masked about diseases that have never been proven to exist.
Yes. During Covid families were forced out of the parks. It was absurd. This post is behind a paywall. Not sure if you remember this story but this dad was arrested. For? You guessed it. Playing with his child at the park. 🤦🏽♀️ https://open.substack.com/pub/jennifermargulis/p/dad-handcuffed-in-front-of-daughter
im not about paywalls
Where I live in Southern Oregon a lot of people think there are too many unsavory characters camping out at the parks for them to be enjoyed by families.
It was a lot worse in Portland, frankly, but...?
There aren't any picnic tables left at the pavilion, and I don't know if they have all been taken to camps by the riverside, or if the city took them away to keep people from camping in the pavilion.
Here here!
Powerful article. Times magazine published an article 15+ years ago saying there was no 'ADD'-Attention Deficit Disorder' but 'NDD' - Nature Deficit Disorder'. I saved a copy. My husbands college newsletter just came out with an article 'Disconnecting to Connect' it is about embracing an empowering countermovement - JOMO - the Joy of Missing Out - it is a joint initiative by the Office of Health Promotion & Learning Support Services. It builds on a national campaign that encourages students to set healthy digital boundaries so they can cultivate genuine connections & feel less isolated. I've been saying for years 'technology will rob us of our humanity if we don't set healthy limits'. I too, leave my phone in the car when out & about, most especially at social functions, my kids call it my 'car phone'. I believe people are addicted to their devices & will go through withdrawals w/o it - the AMA Journal has classified 'gaming' as an addiction. Deep gratitude & blessing to you JM, appreciate your work ...
“technology will rob us of our humanity if we don't set healthy limits.” So so true. I feel like it already has in many ways.
Well I read this on my phone within minutes of it coming through so yeah I'm on it too much. When I'm present somewhere I hate anytime I feel compelled to check my phone if I know someone is needing something from me work or family.
Me too. I’ve been trying to physically shut off my phone when I have it with me but don’t “need” it. Usually when I do, though, I end up turning it on again much sooner than intended. The addictive nature of this technology is stronger than we are…
I'm sad/furious/scared about the lack of kids on the playground or anywhere outside. Like you said Jen, where did they go??. Inside breathing stale air addicted to their phones instead. Every cell in my body screaming how wrong this is -- for kids, for community, for the future of -- well everything.
I'm old enough to have had that childhood outside from dawn to dusk, down at the park, playing whatever the sport of the season. Gossiping, flirting as we got into our teens. Parents nowhere to be seen -- as it should be! I'm sad for little ones growing up glued to their screens instead.
What do we do about it?? That's the question.
Hey there Sara. Jonathan Haidt has some very smart action plans on how to fix the problem. Schools must go phone free -- even those with open campuses where the kids go downtown for lunch. And they MUST enforce their phone-free policies. I've heard from readers about apps that are helping them curb their own phone over-use. One is called Be Present. I do not know it but would like to try it out. At home we can have the conversation and insist that cell phones are turned off at the dinner table. Or, better yet, not brought into the kitchen or dining room. None of this is enough but it's all a start. AND (note that I am writing "and," instead of "but," Pesach aka Paul Zeitz, D.O., taught me this) the tech industry and the government must help set limits and community guidelines. It's beyond criminal that they are allowing anyone under 13 to have social media; they could fix this in five minutes. And 13, as Haidt points out in his book, is an arbitrary number that is much too young for being on-line. No one should be doing ANY social media before they are of age. Just like we limit other addictive substances like alcohol and smoking, we must protect our children from the addictive, dangerous, and pernicious effects of social media and internet overuse.
I use an app called App block. I have it on strict mode because I doomscroll otherwise. I've limited myself to 5 minutes of Facebook each hour and 7 minutes of YouTube each hour. If I need more time, say I'm cooking and need a recipe on YT or something, then I have to request my husband to unblock it and then I can use it as long as I want. Fortunately, having it blocked regularly and knowing my issues, I'm very firm about reblocking it when I do this. It's pretty crazy how easy it is to get stuck scrolling if I don't have the accountability. Luckily, I hate being on my phone and I've seen the detrimental effects it has so I can easily stand by this. Sadly, for a teenager who might not understand that yet, it might be harder.
I just bought myself a Brick as a new year’s gift. God willing, I can get free so as to have some semblance of credibility with my still personal phone-less teenagers. It’s a terrible thing to be ensnared by a machine.
"It’s a terrible thing to be ensnared by a machine." Yes, Jenny. So well said.
This is so very sad. I knew screens were a problem for adolescents, teens, and young adults (and older adults) but I didn't realize how deeply it also affects young children. Thank you.
Liz, if you have time and inclination to read The Anxious Generation, I think it will really resonate with you. I listened to it — from the library — via my phone (clears throat). He even discusses listening to audiobooks. After all the research he did, he tried to stop always listening to a book in 1.5 speed on his phone and just enjoy his walk to work. I’ve been trying to do that more lately. Not walk and talk on the phone. I haven’t been succeeding very well. I do really love being able to listen to books while I do the dishes or walk the dog. AND I think it’s probably better for my mental well-being to just walk the dog and be present, say hello to the people I pass, admire the nature, and allow my brain some uninterrupted time to think…
Jennifer I really appreciate this post. My town just appropriated 3.5 million dollars to rebuild 2 playgrounds. The plan is to build a few more. I pray playgrounds get used and having them empty not happen to our resident spaces! And as far as cell phones. I wish I was less attached. And I must have an energetic block I need to work on because whenever I leave my phone at home purposefully, I need it. What is with that. And I went to Wyoming over Christmas and was hardly on my phone. It was glorious. I colored with my 73 yo aunt alongside my 8 yo first cousin once removed. And my cousin and his wife hardly use a cell in front of their 8yo and they have asked the grandparents to also not use phones. My uncle (75 yo) gets totally self-absorbed into it and drops out. I can't stand feeling abandoned in the presence of others, it is like a bad flashback to my childhood of vacant parents!
I heard a clear voice call to me early into 2026 and it said "Live more". And it wasn't me talking. It was in a totally mundane moment walking in my kitchen. And I said, will do! Lastly. I just came across this quote and had typed it to myself because it was so good. "Living off of memories ain't no living at all. You got to make 'em while you can." Sam Elliot in Landman S2E5 I think I could easily insert other words such as "Living on a cell phone/social media/porn/toxic food/sitting on your butt" and it works. It is going to be my 2026 mantra.
Living more is good advice. I like that resolution. So good that your family is limiting usage. But not that your uncle isn’t able to control his. I can so relate to this: “I can't stand feeling abandoned in the presence of others, it is like a bad flashback to my childhood of vacant parents!”