My Friend Had a Nervous Breakdown
Sometimes the people who seem to have it all are actually suffering the most
“Sorry I haven’t been in touch,” the text message from my friend Justin* read. “I had a mental breakdown and I’ve been in the hospital.”
Justin? In the hospital?
Wait.
What?
Justin is one of my most together and successful friends. He’s so fit and good-looking and color coordinated that he always looks like he just stepped away from a photo shoot for GQ.
He’s one of those men who gets more handsome as he ages, with salt and pepper hair that makes him look distinguished. He has a Ph.D., an impressive teaching career, and dozens of peer-reviewed and popular publications under his belt.
Not only that. Justin speaks three languages fluently; he and his wife had a second home in Provence and used to take their children to Europe for two or three months every summer.
All four of their kids speak English and French fluently.
And, of course, they have two daughters and two sons.
His oldest girl went to Columbia and his second to Cornell. The two still in high school are straight-A students, on track to follow in their siblings’ footsteps and get Ivy League degrees.
But what, there’s more.
Justin comes from money; has a wife who earns more than six figures as an entrepreneur, and got such a mind-boggling advance 💰💰💰 from the publisher for his most recent nonfiction book that I actually put my finger in my ear to remove the wax and had to ask him to repeat the figure three times to make sure I heard him correctly.
And don’t get me started on how successful his international tour to promote the book was. Or on how his literary agent was able to sell foreign rights in so many different territories that the book earned back the publisher’s advance before it even hit the bookstores.
But none of that seems to matter. Despite having all the trappings of success in the world, lately Justin has not been able to quiet his inner demons.
While the rest of us feel envious of him, in Justin’s mind he’s a failure. He told me that feels like a fraud. Despite the success of his most recent book, he feels paralyzed and unable to write.
Despite his children’s high achievements, he feels he has failed them as a father because he and his wife decided to divorce.
Despite constant reminders of how attractive he is, he feels unlovable and thinks he is “over the hill” at age 55.
As happy, healthy, fulfilled, well off, and well adjusted the people in your life seem to be, there may be more to the story than what they let you see.
It seems like all the money, good looks, and success in the world—plus vacations in Europe, high-achieving kids, and being a dapper dresser who always wears the right colors to highlight the specks of teal in your eyes—won’t fix a broken heart or cacophonous brain.
Sometimes I think it’s the people who seem like they have it all together, like Justin and my husband’s best friend Mike, who are actually suffering the most.
What do you think?
*Some identifying details have been changed for privacy
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When You’re a Writer Who Feels Like a Fraud
Sounds like a man who needs to connect to God. I don’t think I read anything about his spiritual life in all of his accomplishments and good fortune. Not for me to give advice, but you might plant that seed. I’ve found recently that pursuing this connection is a worthwhile exercise to cure a troubled mind.
When you look to the external world for validation of self, then you're at the mercy of illusion and the temporary, ever changing nature of external life. A sticky wicket, as they say. Nervous breakdown is actually a good sign in that it calls attention to the need to journey internally to uncover a treasure chest of new possibilities and to awaken the True Self. A game changer when SHTF--has become my mantra, "it's happen for me, not to me, " and to inquire, "who's feeling this?"-- helps me see the bigger picture, separate from the ego, and sidestep the vortex. May this man find peace and liberation through this pivotal, challenging passage. Could be a blessing. From breakdown to breakthrough. Aho!