The Most Inappropriate Joke I’ve Ever Made

I actually said this to my oculoplastic surgeon

When I was first diagnosed with suspected ocular melanoma, a retinal specialist I’ll call Dr. Gloom and Doom said I’d likely need an enucleation.

Not an ocular oncologist, Dr. Gloom and Doom explained that his information might be a little out of date. But, he continued, there were only two treatment options that he was aware of: a radiation patch sewn onto the white of the eye and proton beam therapy.

To his knowledge, both had poor outcomes.

Dr. Gloom and Doom told me that if I were even eligible for either, which was unlikely, I’d probably be permanently disfigured, lose most—or all—of my vision in the affected eye, and then die of the cancer anyway, since it would inevitably metastasize to my liver.

Get thee to an ocular oncologist,* Dr. Gloom and Doom said.

He came out of his office as I was paying the bill.

“Don’t procrastinate,” he said.