1. I did not raise her in England. Which means she doesn’t have a British accent. “So now I can never be a famous actress, Mo-om. All the best actresses have British accents. How could you do this to me?” 2. We backed the car into the parking space. Now the passenger’s side window does not fog up in the morning. Which means she can’t write “I HATE YOU MOM” or “WOW” or “LMAO” in the condensation. This is a travesty. It’s inexcusable. It ruins her whole day. Every day.
Jennifer, thanks for sharing. I too was a mean parent. Apparently the meanest dad in the entire school. No cell phone either, and allowance required contribution around the house. I spent an entire day going from store to store to find the right colour of bicycle only to have it stolen two days later because she forgot to lock it. Just think of the grandchildren. That's the reward for not giving them away at this age.
Of my 3 adult children, the one I get along best with is the one that has children of her own. I think she has a better perspective now. I know it’s a long time to wait for forgiveness but hang in there momma.
It's not your fault though, the affliction is hereditary. My Mom and Dad were just as horrible. Every day they gave me boundless love and support. How I managed to grow up the well-adjusted man I became is a total mystery.
I'd bet your Mom was also a horrible parent, just as was her Mom probably was.
I can only hope my children grow up to be just as horrible as I have been.
But you let her color her hair! I still haven’t let my 16-year old color her hair. My rule was that they had to be 18. 🤷🏼♀️
Parenting young people is the hardest darned job in the world. There’s a lot at stake and it can make a mamas heart weary. I’m in the thick of it now. Have two launched and two on the edge of adulthood. One preschooler because I had temporary amnesia (or insanity, I’m not sure).
But they’re SO AMAZING on the other side of teen years, even in spite of the hard work and heartache.
I think it sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job.
I just don’t think insults and disrespect is any way for a child to act . I didn’t allow it . If a child disagrees with me they are free to express it - without malice . I wouldn’t let them abuse their siblings - why would I let them abuse me ?
Here’s something to try: get books, to have in the house, that tell stories about how truly hard life was in the past. Example: “Giants in the Earth”, by Rolvaag, published 101 years ago, about settling the SD prairie in the 1870s. Digging out a sod house to live in, hauling water, trying to survive blizzards and grow enough food to survive. Grasshopper plagues, no electricity or entertainment, literally dying while trying to save livestock. You get the idea. There are dozens of mesmerizing books about life in America in years past. Your daughter will start to read one of them on a day where she’s bored, and it will gradually seep into her subconscious just how fabulous her life actually is. I remember reading stories about pioneers trying to cross the Rockies without dying (remember the ‘Donner Party’?) - and I gradually became more grateful (‘wow- a refrigerator full of food!)
Good stuff. My wife and I know what you mean. My wife's son totally felt we were out of touch when he was in our family. Now at 21 he says "we may have been right on occasion. I am rethinking this" Time will tell. BTW he never got a cell phone. He has one now. Says he was glad we didn't get him one when he was younger.
This is funny, but she is acting very spoiled. Also, while my parents weren't the greatest, I never would have said "I hate you" or things like that. I was a challenging teen, I did my own thing, I kept secrets, but I wouldn't have so nonchalantly disrespected them with words like that. You deserve some respect! Have you told her how that makes you feel? Cuz she is being a bully.
ha! i often have to remind myself that it's "opposite day" when my teenager is insulting or condemning my choices. so, good job, mom. clearly you are doing well by her and making good choices :)
I never had a bad relationship with my mother as a teen. I never went through a rebellious stage. But I didn’t fully appreciate her until I had kids. Then my eyes were opened, and I realized what a gift my mom was. Teens and young adults don’t realize how much they don’t know. They think they know it all and that their mother is ignorant. But it takes getting a little older to realize their limitations. Someday I am sure your daughter will appreciate her gift of you!
I worked in a residential school for delinquent boys in the early 1970s near Detroit. The boys were mostly good kids who just had crappy parents. They would fight us tooth and nail as we maintained order and followed simple rules of communal living. On the rare occasions when things got chaotic, you could witness their anxiety levels spiking. They craved structure, which was nearly always lacking in their homes.
Oh...I remember those days. I ruined three, now adult children's lives, in more than 13 ways, I'm sure. That being said, they have all grown up to be some pretty decent human beings in spite of me as their mom. Now I'm witnessing our daughter ruin her three kids lives, although two are pretty much raised, and again...pretty decent human beings!
I have a 17-year-old son. He’ll be 18 in 4 months. He knows everything. I mean EVERY. THING. His looks vary between scorn and pity when I try to give him advice. I remind myself that most people think he’s wonderful. He’s only obnoxious at home. We are his safe space to unload all those FEELINGS every teen has. But man it SUCKS. Hang in there, mama.
I ruefully laughed all the way through. Luckily, I didn't encounter this as a mom, but I do have friends who could substitute their child's name and write almost the same essay. You have a gift, Jennifer - evocative writing par excellence.
Jennifer, thanks for sharing. I too was a mean parent. Apparently the meanest dad in the entire school. No cell phone either, and allowance required contribution around the house. I spent an entire day going from store to store to find the right colour of bicycle only to have it stolen two days later because she forgot to lock it. Just think of the grandchildren. That's the reward for not giving them away at this age.
Of my 3 adult children, the one I get along best with is the one that has children of her own. I think she has a better perspective now. I know it’s a long time to wait for forgiveness but hang in there momma.
Yes. You are a horrible parent.
It's not your fault though, the affliction is hereditary. My Mom and Dad were just as horrible. Every day they gave me boundless love and support. How I managed to grow up the well-adjusted man I became is a total mystery.
I'd bet your Mom was also a horrible parent, just as was her Mom probably was.
I can only hope my children grow up to be just as horrible as I have been.
But you let her color her hair! I still haven’t let my 16-year old color her hair. My rule was that they had to be 18. 🤷🏼♀️
Parenting young people is the hardest darned job in the world. There’s a lot at stake and it can make a mamas heart weary. I’m in the thick of it now. Have two launched and two on the edge of adulthood. One preschooler because I had temporary amnesia (or insanity, I’m not sure).
But they’re SO AMAZING on the other side of teen years, even in spite of the hard work and heartache.
I think it sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job.
Hugs!
I just don’t think insults and disrespect is any way for a child to act . I didn’t allow it . If a child disagrees with me they are free to express it - without malice . I wouldn’t let them abuse their siblings - why would I let them abuse me ?
Here’s something to try: get books, to have in the house, that tell stories about how truly hard life was in the past. Example: “Giants in the Earth”, by Rolvaag, published 101 years ago, about settling the SD prairie in the 1870s. Digging out a sod house to live in, hauling water, trying to survive blizzards and grow enough food to survive. Grasshopper plagues, no electricity or entertainment, literally dying while trying to save livestock. You get the idea. There are dozens of mesmerizing books about life in America in years past. Your daughter will start to read one of them on a day where she’s bored, and it will gradually seep into her subconscious just how fabulous her life actually is. I remember reading stories about pioneers trying to cross the Rockies without dying (remember the ‘Donner Party’?) - and I gradually became more grateful (‘wow- a refrigerator full of food!)
Good luck!
Good stuff. My wife and I know what you mean. My wife's son totally felt we were out of touch when he was in our family. Now at 21 he says "we may have been right on occasion. I am rethinking this" Time will tell. BTW he never got a cell phone. He has one now. Says he was glad we didn't get him one when he was younger.
Have fun!
be well.
This is funny, but she is acting very spoiled. Also, while my parents weren't the greatest, I never would have said "I hate you" or things like that. I was a challenging teen, I did my own thing, I kept secrets, but I wouldn't have so nonchalantly disrespected them with words like that. You deserve some respect! Have you told her how that makes you feel? Cuz she is being a bully.
ha! i often have to remind myself that it's "opposite day" when my teenager is insulting or condemning my choices. so, good job, mom. clearly you are doing well by her and making good choices :)
I never had a bad relationship with my mother as a teen. I never went through a rebellious stage. But I didn’t fully appreciate her until I had kids. Then my eyes were opened, and I realized what a gift my mom was. Teens and young adults don’t realize how much they don’t know. They think they know it all and that their mother is ignorant. But it takes getting a little older to realize their limitations. Someday I am sure your daughter will appreciate her gift of you!
Teen years are God’s way of allowing us to separate from our children.
I worked in a residential school for delinquent boys in the early 1970s near Detroit. The boys were mostly good kids who just had crappy parents. They would fight us tooth and nail as we maintained order and followed simple rules of communal living. On the rare occasions when things got chaotic, you could witness their anxiety levels spiking. They craved structure, which was nearly always lacking in their homes.
Oh...I remember those days. I ruined three, now adult children's lives, in more than 13 ways, I'm sure. That being said, they have all grown up to be some pretty decent human beings in spite of me as their mom. Now I'm witnessing our daughter ruin her three kids lives, although two are pretty much raised, and again...pretty decent human beings!
I have a 17-year-old son. He’ll be 18 in 4 months. He knows everything. I mean EVERY. THING. His looks vary between scorn and pity when I try to give him advice. I remind myself that most people think he’s wonderful. He’s only obnoxious at home. We are his safe space to unload all those FEELINGS every teen has. But man it SUCKS. Hang in there, mama.
😂😂 “...this is akin to forcing her to eat rat poison.”
My parents told me to go outside and play with my friends...clearly they hated me and didn’t want me around.
I ruefully laughed all the way through. Luckily, I didn't encounter this as a mom, but I do have friends who could substitute their child's name and write almost the same essay. You have a gift, Jennifer - evocative writing par excellence.